Lamenting Holidays Past

First posted to: https://surehopecounseling.com/lamenting-holidays-past/

I don’t know anyone who is free from pain as we look forward to Christmas and the New Year. Many people I care for are shouldering significant burdens, and the holiday season intensifies their heartache. Why mention this as we deck the halls and make our days merry? We *could* use excessive holiday activities (sugar, shopping, alcohol, etc.) as a way to numb relational wounds and mental health struggles. Here I would like to propose that an emotionally healthy path forward might involve releasing negative emotion as we lament holidays past. If we can identify and grieve what didn’t go well, while evaluating what is within our control to change and heal, we might bring about a release that frees our energies toward brighter days ahead.

If you’d like to engage in this exercise further, take in a deep breath (with oxygen to the brain and tenderness toward your soul), and think about an unhappy holiday memory. Perhaps you celebrated with someone for years who is no longer present in the same way, and you’re grieving their absence due to death, divorce or another disruption. Maybe some previous family gatherings included an unhealthy or even abusive person with whom you wish there could be a better relationship, and now you find yourself setting necessary boundaries for the sake of your peace. And yet even happy memories of festive gatherings where you once felt included, might now contrast with loneliness in a new place or unfamiliar season.

These unpleasant memories could evoke the following negative emotions: sadness over deep loss; anger towards a loved one who continues making unhealthy choices, maybe in a cycle of addictive behaviors; fear about what lies ahead when you’ve outgrown or moved on from previous places of connection. Some of us grew up in a family or culture that didn’t allow or encourage negative emotions to be voiced or shared. Where then might you express those feelings, for example in the South where many prefer to smile and say “I’m fine” while feeling sad or angry?

Another negative emotion that is very difficult to purge, and which creates quite a stronghold, is the feeling of shame. Maybe you yourself have done some of the hurting in years and holidays past, and you feel very ashamed about your mistakes. What if you could stop yourself from passing on that shame to others, but instead receive and extend healing? By acknowledging our negative emotions rather than numbing them, we may then find motivation to change difficult circumstances and create better relationships and memories. Simply put, we can get released or unstuck from the past!

Recently I’ve been loving Psalm 3 as a tool to release the negative emotion of shame. Here is a sample version of how I might lament using Psalm 3 as a guide:

Verse 1 (ESV) – “O Lord, how many are my foes!”

My version: Jesus, it feels like the enemy of my soul wants me to stay down.

Verse 2 (NLT) – “So many are saying, ‘God will never rescue him!”

My version: Even other people have given up, and think I’m broken beyond saving.

Verse 3 (ESV) – “But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.”

My version: Thank you for protecting me from more harm, giving me dignity and lifting my eyes to see your goodness.

If the Bible isn’t your thing, find a safe person in your family or community (maybe a therapist) whose perspective uplifts you after *actively listening* to your cries of pain. I truly believe that acknowledging, lamenting and releasing our negative emotions are integral to mental wellness. In this season of winter darkness where we long for light, my prayer is that we can bring our negative emotions to the Wonderful Counselor for healing.

-Melody Carr – learn more about working with Melody here!

Unifie Therapist Network