Healing from Toxic Family Patterns

First posted to: https://surehopecounseling.com/healing-from-toxic-family-patterns/

In the beginning “God looked upon all that He had made, and indeed, it was very good” (Genesis 1:31). The term “very good” signifies the perfection and harmony of creation before the fall of man. This divine evaluation and approval indicates that everything was functioning according to God’s perfect design, without sin or corruption. This sentiment emphasizes the inherent goodness of God’s creation and this is strengthened in James 1:17 when the author stated that “every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” God did not make a mistake when He breathed life into creation and demonstrated His masterful creative work and design. The reality is that He had a plan (and still does) for us, as His creation, to flourish and experience harmony in every way including within the family system. 

In John Mark Comer’s book Garden City he passionately conveys to his readers what scripture tells us about God and His humanity. Comer writes that humans “are God’s partners” and the language that’s used in Genesis is the “image of God.” God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground” (Genesis 1:26).

The word image is selem in Hebrew, and it can be translated as “idol or statue.” Comer communicates a very important reality: 

An idol is a visible representation of an invisible being. A statue was put in the temple of every god in the ancient world so the worshiper could see what the god was like. We are God’s statues. His selem. We were put on earth — because the entire cosmos is God’s temple — to make visible the invisible God. To show the world what God is like. We are the Creator’s representatives to his creation (pg. 39).

From the very beginning of time God was looking for partners and desired interactive relationships with humanity. God’s design was for our good and for the care, consideration and thriving of the generations to follow, but sin reared its way into the garden and what was intended was disfigured and forever changed on this side of eternity. Today, we see this profoundly in marriage and family, specifically toxic patterns in the family. 

This was not God’s stunning vision for His creation but it certainly exists today. These toxic family dynamics are often filled with tension, conflict, unrealistic expectations, chaos, neglect, and even abuse. Monika Roots, MD, FAPA, Co-Founder, President and Chief Medical Officer of Bend Health, stated:

All families experience challenges and struggles, but a toxic family dynamic may involve one or more members treating each other in harmful or destructive ways. These behaviors can include angry outbursts, violation of boundaries, lying, blame, manipulation, control, as well as verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. 

These toxic patterns are deeply embedded in family relationship dynamics and ways of communicating, and often these patterns lead to feelings of confusion, isolation, and sadness. To some individuals this is normal and sometimes all they know. These individuals carry them through childhood and into adulthood and often see these unhealthy patterns manifest within romantic and social relationships. Questions like, “Is this normal?” or “Why does this continue to happen to me?” While very challenging questions, they are productive because it means behaviors are being questioned, such as “Why do I choose people who disrespect my boundaries and take advantage of me?” or “Why do I attract codependent relationships?” Again, these questions are helpful because it can lead many people into the healing and redemptive work to challenge and break these cycles for themselves and for the future generations. The work of unlearning years of toxic and unhealthy behavior patterns takes time, commitment and dedication, but it is certainly possible.

As Luke 18:27 says, “What is impossible for people is possible with God.”

This is a beautiful truth and invitation to courageously heal with the power and love of God. It is also a great kindness of the Lord for those hurting and negatively impacted by these toxic patterns to heal alongside safe and trusting people and professionals. This does not have to be done alone. 

Prayer and abiding in the Lord are both powerful and supportive anchors on this journey towards growth and flourishing. God is the firm foundation and the greatest Healer, and by His grace there are many supports to aid the journey of healing. Here is a list of compliments to help break and heal from toxic patterns in the family:

• Give yourself the permission to admit what happened was not okay and traumatic – this allows people to admit the truth of what happened to them and within their stories. Further, this starts to work against dismissal and denial of their feelings and experience which decreases the intensity of shame. Brené Brown, writer and professor, said that shame “cannot survive empathy.” She further explained that shame can marinate over a lifetime and “the less you talk about it, the more you got it. Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” The antidote, Brown says, is empathy because “shame depends on me buying into the belief that I’m alone.” 
• Seek support for the internal work – whether it be a professional therapist (to help with triggers and working through the trauma) or other consistent and helpful support such as journaling, books, support groups, self-reflection.
• Evaluate and identify areas of growth to help increase self-esteem and relationship qualities – while it is important to take an honest inventory of limitations, unhelpful behaviors and ways of thinking this practice is for growth and greater self-awareness (for example, looking into patterns of behavior that repeat within relationships and unproductive defense mechanisms). This is not for self-criticism and highlighting all of one’s flaws and defects.
• Find time and space for compassion every day to increase self-esteem and replace unhealthy and even self-destructive ways of coping and managing pain and internal chaos – this can be done through meaningful mantras, reading and speaking God’s Word over the lies and painful experiences, connecting with our bodies in meaningful and grounding ways (e.g., guided meditation and body scans, stretching, exercise, deep breathing).
• Make space for safe and trustworthy accountability throughout the process of breaking these cycles – this can feel very difficult especially if a child grew up in an environment that was low in empathy and heavily saturated in criticism and unhealthy communication patterns. It’s important to use wisdom and discernment when inviting loved ones into this process as it can still elicit discomfort, feelings of threat and defensiveness. It could be beneficial to share with a safe and trusting loved one what is being worked on to heal from unhelpful and harmful behavior patterns. Having support as one grows in awareness, learns, and changes these cycles is a strong protective factor. 

Healing and recapturing this vision for human flourishing, on this side of eternity, is possible and God wants to partner with those who are hurting in this redemptive work. This requires awareness of the wounds and trust in a loving and kind God in the midst of working through deep and painful family of origin wounds. Again, the journey of learning healthier ways of interacting with family members, setting boundaries where needed, and rebuilding self-esteem can happen. God still wants His creation to make known the invisible attributes of His loving and flourishing design in the visible realm, and God partnering with His creation as they walk out healing from toxic family patterns is just one beautiful way to do this.

-Carlyn Wood – learn more about working with Carlyn here!

Unifie Therapist Network