First posted to: https://surehopecounseling.com/are-you-a-good-complainer/
At first glance complaining appears to be nothing but negative. If someone were to put a glass of water in front of you filled up halfway, what would you see? Would you see a glass half empty, or would you see a glass half full? As you know the half empty perspective is considered pessimistic. This point of view leads to grumbling over what I don’t have or want more of, that breeds ingratitude, envy, jealously, and anger. It is counterproductive and self-destructive. As Proverbs warns, “A sound heart is life to the body, But envy is rottenness to the bones (14:30).
Dr. Juliano describes this as ineffective complaining and offers her own insight:
“Ineffective complainers often see the glass as half-empty to protect themselves from disappointment. Their complaints are not so much about changing a situation, but more about creating a mental state—the complainer manages disappointment by setting their expectations quite low. . . The ineffective complainer, when asserting a specific complaint, often does so in a way that nearly guarantees they will not get their needs met. This person believes, usually out of awareness, that they will be frustrated. So, without realizing it, they use tactics that put people on the defensive. For example, they may behave childishly when lodging a complaint, make unrealistic demands, or choose a less appropriate time to make the complaint. When they don’t get what they want, the belief that they can never get satisfaction is reinforced.” No One Likes a Complainer. Here’s Why. | Psychology Today
Notice that in this description the complainer has set the bar low. They expect to be disappointed and create a self-fulfilling prophecy to that end. If their faith is strong, it is a faith well-founded in the belief that disappointment is inevitable. Perhaps this comes from a place of woundedness where they have been hurt repeatedly by someone they trusted. Sadly, when trust has been violated it can be difficult to ever have faith in anyone again. Whatever leads someone to this place, what I would like to emphasize is that ineffective complaining is complaining without faith. At least faith in any sort of good outcome. This lack is at least in part contingent upon who or what we place our faith in. From a Christian perspective faith in the goodness of God can help temper our complaint with hope.
Bearing this in mind, complaint-faith in the goodness of God=ineffective/sinful complaining. Complaint+ faith in the goodness of God= lament. When reading the Psalms (a great place to witness biblical lament) one thing that stands out strongly is the amount of complaining. Yet, what is also notable is a steadfast faith in God.
For example, the psalmist may ask and plead, “Wake Yourself up, why do You sleep, Lord? Awake, do not reject us forever.Why do You hide Your face And forget our affliction and oppression?” (Psalm 44:23-24). The complaint is implicit yet clear. The psalmist is complaining over what feels like being forgotten by God. If this was not enough, the author of the Psalm is quite explicit in his complaint towards God evidenced in verses 9-16, 19 and 22 of the same Psalm. However, in all the complaining there is a proclamation of faith in the character of God and provision of God. Psalm 44 is a great example of complaining plus trusting that allows the Psalmist to say, “Our hearts have not turned back; our steps have not strayed from Your path” (18). As Mark Vroegop remarks, “We complain on the basis of our belief in who God is and what he can do.”
Vroegop further provides us with some guidance on how to become good complainers. First, present your complaint with humility. It is permissible to ask God questions and/or complain but not in a demanding prideful way. Second, pray Scripture. You may find that Psalm 44 or some other passage of lament resonates with your struggle. In my own experience there is something powerful about praying these inspired verses back to God that can bring you closer to Him amid your pain. Third, be honest. Share your frustrations and your fears remembering that He is your loving Father. And finally, keep in mind that while learning to be a good complainer is important it is not the final destination. Complaining well is designed to create momentum towards a closer relationship with God where we find ourselves trusting in His goodness (Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament).
In the counseling world words like “processing” or phrases such as “working through” have been used so often that they start to sound cliché (or worse meaningless). It is important to attach some meat to these words to make it clear what it means to work through some issue. Lament and in particular here, complaint is a way to work our way to God and eventually trust in the active presence of our caring Heavenly Father. Complaint is one step towards the relational/experiential knowledge of God who intervenes in the lives of His children for His glory. If we are going to be about processing, there ought to be a process. Complaint is one, albeit an important step in that process. So, go ahead and complain. Just make sure you are good at it.
-Ken Grano, MDiv., CFBPPC –learn more about working with Ken here!
